Issue 13: Hear from the ENO Breathe Community - Jo Herman

How did we get to April already?  I’m not sure where the past months disappeared to, but at the time they felt interminably long. Now suddenly longer days, some blue skies and warmth, and it feels such a huge relief to have finally emerged from winter.

Since getting ill in March 2020, last month has always felt challenging, with the anniversary of the pandemic, and for many of us who were affected at that time, a reminder of something that has profoundly changed our lives. I know many found it a difficult time, especially the run up to the 23rd of March. Yet it has also been an intensely reflective time. But once the anniversary was done, I found myself filled with renewed hope for what the future holds. That may sound strange in a world that seems to be falling apart… But five years of debilitating illness has given plenty of time for reflection. We all know that life is short, and since I was a medical student, I have always been acutely aware that life can change in a flash with illness. It reminds you to be present, to live in the present, and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. It feels very hard to think so many of us have lost half a decade of life to illness (somehow that sounds far more than five years!), but I remind myself there have been silver linings to it… Doing new things, a change of direction for career which one could never have imagined, meeting people whose paths you would never cross in a previous life. And trying to cultivate that much used word ‘gratitude’ for some of those things.

Sometimes I feel like a phoenix arising from the debris of my former life. And yet reclaiming life is not easy… Did I expect a fanfare as I emerge and manage to do increasingly more? Friends keep telling me at times what I’m managing is far more than some others do without long Covid, but I still feel frustrated that things are not as they were.  Someone pointed out that we are all five years older, so we can’t be expected to manage what we did… But in a sense I feel much younger than I did even two, three years ago when I was still really struggling (although the mirror tells me otherwise!).

Five years does feel like a significant milestone, and we’ve had a wonderful response to our callout for submissions for personal milestones. Femke’s huge achievement with her ironman triathlon and top tip ‘It’s all about reframing the idea of “I can’t,” with “how can I?”‘. I’ve also found that using such a simple shift in perspective over the past years has really helped: just try it and you’d be surprised at what you can do (and I don’t mean an ironman or marathon, but just managing to go out and do something different that you didn’t think was possible). I also really related to Derwena’s shift of ‘learning to live alongside long COVID as opposed to against it’. I know it took me a while to come to understand that: fighting or resenting illness doesn’t work… A level of acceptance and learning how to live with it in the best possible way comes back to the ‘how can I?’ idea. 

And Sarah’s achingly beautiful words about a trip to the Arctic really resonated, especially that feeling of being on the periphery of life for so long with illness and then being able to do something that makes you feel really alive.  

Huge thanks, as always, to all of you for sharing your milestones, and for inspiring us with what’s really possible if we just dare to try.

Jo Herman
Content Curator and Editor
ENO Breathe Newsletter