Issue 13: Hear from the ENO Breathe Community - Submission Library

A Spiritual Quest into the Heart and Soul of Winter

Submitted by Sarah Jane Grace

‘The distilled and pure essence of winter was intense, vibrant and vivid; the stillness was highly energised, and the silence pulsated so loudly. The trees whispered quietly in the silence slowly bending under the weight of the falling snow creating sculptures of great beauty and majesty. The sunlight captured every snowflake frozen in perfection and brought the silent landscape to life. The breathtaking essence of winter was so concentrated and intense, that it captured me in a moment of stillness that has touched me so deeply and profoundly that I left the Arctic changed forever.  

I opened up to the stillness to guide me, and spent time gazing at the fire, watching the sun dance across the sky, seeing the green glow of the aurora over the forest and observing the prisms of every single, perfect snowflake. This gave every second, every moment, a new vibration and feeling of life. It was as though everything had begun vibrating at a higher frequency and I was an integral part of this frequency: wholly, completely and willingly. 

In such moments of silent, but vibrant, awakening, I sensed the divinity in everything: in every frozen leaf, in every flake of snow and in the living breathing universe both around, and within, me. I felt every heartbeat and every breath; the world became so full of life as every tree, every leaf and every drop of air came alive. It’s as though everything was much more itself and fully interconnected; the universal tapestry was weaving in harmony and unity.  

Despite the cold reaching deeply into the bones, the beauty was incredible. The change was beyond words; after all, what words can describe the indescribable feeling of joy, love, awakening, acceptance, surrender, empowerment and knowing, all colliding and occurring in a single moment? The future fell away, the past dissolved, and I became frozen in the present moment. This, however, did not feel like some kind of involuntary paralysis or ice-prison, but a euphoria of finally being, and feeling, integrated and whole; a sense of knowing that everything was/is as it should be.  

Every second of stillness felt infinite in shape and form, and I became captured in a moment of pure magic and magnificence; suddenly the walls of my ill-health fell away, and everything seemed possible and within my grasp. I was reaching deeper into my essence and opening up to the infinite possibilities all around, and within, me. In that moment, I both expanded and contracted; I expanded into the vastness of the universe and contracted more into the true essence of my Self.  

My breath felt in tune with the ebb and flow of the whispering trees. The cold air filling my lungs with peace and stillness. As each second of stillness merged into the next, although my time in my little cabin in the Swedish Arctic was coming to an end, I knew that I would gently hold this experience in my heart and soul forever.  There was nothing for me to ‘do’ to ensure that I remained so awake, for this state of being is already within me, now. Of course, there are times when the chatter of life starts to block out the stillness, but it only takes a moment to re-connect, to remind myself of the magnificence of life.’  

In the past, I’ve always tried to understand and rationalise life, spirituality and consciousness, but this quest into the heart and soul of winter touched me so deeply I now appreciate that it can never be truly understood; it is only by opening up to the landscape beyond the walls of the mind that the need to ‘try’ falls away as the state of truly being finally rises up like the dawn sun over the whispering forest and frozen landscape. Such majesty is magnificent, amazing and incredible; I finally know I am home…   

Written after an escape to the Swedish Arctic.

Sarah developed long COVID at the beginning of 2023 – she had managed to ‘dodge’ COVID until then. Like so many of us with long COVID, it’s been a very long and hard journey since then. She’d always enjoyed writing but hadn’t been able to focus enough since developing long COVID to write very much, which she found really hard. Additionally, since getting the virus, her cluster headaches have worsened, so she now has to type with her eyes closed which provides its own challenge.

She has always been drawn to ice and snow, finding the peace it brings very cathartic.

What called her to the Arctic was multi-faceted – a need for quiet, a desire to escape for a while, a hope to see the northern lights and to experience the heart and soul of winter as a way to re-connect to herself and to feel alive again, having felt on the periphery of life for so long like so many of us with long COVID.

__________________________________________________

Memories of a Volunteer – Encountering the drawings of Italian artist and designer Gabriel Boccuni:

Submitted by Matthew Harborne

Martin caught COVID during June 2020. He had been in intensive care for four weeks with an infection that developed into sepsis. Whilst recovering on a ward, he tested positive for COVID, and was readmitted to ICU for a further ten weeks, five of which were spent on a ventilator. He then had to go to a community hospital to learn to walk again for the next month, and a further month in a care home for more rehab, before being allowed home. 

He has long COVID, but generally if he doesn’t overdo things he is fine. He attended the ENO Breathe in early 2023, and also had a personal trainer in late 2022, both of which helped with recovery, enabling him to take up a volunteering role. However, he hasn’t returned to work and has now retired.

Martin met the artist, Gabriel Boccuni, at a friend’s house. They got chatting about Gabriel’s pictures and how he had volunteered during the pandemic at the Royal London Hospital, where Martin also volunteers for the London Air Ambulance in their merchandise shop

These pictures do not depict real people, but reflect Gabriel’s memories of what he saw during his shifts. Gabriel is an Italian designer, but during COVID he decided to volunteer at the hospital, helping serve food to doctors and nurses in the evenings. 

_______________________________________________________________

The Power of Music

Submitted by Louise Brooker

‘To give back some of what I have received on my journey, I have been helping out at the local MMP group which provides music, social activities and performance opportunities for adults with learning difficulties. Run by the local Salvation Army Corps the joy and love in the room is infectious with the creation of such uplifting music. The aim was for potentially 20 participants but there are regularly 3-4 times this. It shows the power of music to embrace everybody and make a huge difference.’ 

______________________________________________________________________

Gentle with Myself 

Submitted by Margaret Lloyd

‘Suzi in today’s ENO Breathe session was talking about being gentle with ourselves which reminded me of a song I love by Karen Drucker. Since having COVID I have realised Ihave spent most of my life driving myself rather hard and that learning to be soothing to my body, mind and feelings is important for recovery. So this song is an encouragement.’

Gentle With Myself

Words & Music: Karen Drucker

Chorus Words: Robyn Posin

I will be gentle with myself. 

I will be gentle with myself and I will hold myself like a newborn baby child.

I will be tender with my heart. 

I will be tender with my heart and I will hold my heart like a newborn baby child.

And I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me feels safe to go.

I will be easy on myself. 

I will be easy on myself and I love myself like a new born baby child.

*Chorus*

I am gentle with myself. I am gentle with myself and I hold myself like a new born baby child.

And I rock myself like a newborn baby child. 

And I hold myself like a newborn baby child. 

And I love myself like a newborn baby child.

Lyrics & Music

______________________________________________________________________

Cognitive Restructuring 

Submitted by Derwena Bowsher

‘I wanted to let you know about a milestone I achieved late last year that helped me mentally recover from COVID. I self-referred for cognitive restructuring sessions with my local NHS psychology team.

Since the moment I first contracted COVID in March 2020, I felt a black cloak had been thrown over me, feeling so negative and questioning why I was still here, and wishing COVID had taken me when it had the chance. I was gloomy and self-loathing, which was not who I used to be.  I was mourning the loss of my previous healthy self.

During the cognitive restructuring sessions, I learnt how to determine facts from what my brain told me, reactions based on fiction. This recovery started by writing down a certain instance, noting what the facts were and what was fiction. I soon learnt that most of the thoughts I had were fictitious.

I can now process and control my thoughts so much better and feel the black cloak is no longer surrounding me. Such a simple change in thinking, but very effective and has completely changed my thoughts about my post-COVID body, and I’m thankful that I am still here!’  A key factor has been learning to live alongside long Covid as opposed to against it!’

____________________________________________________________________

Iron Man Challenge

Submitted by Femke van der Veer

‘I am a former ENO Breathe participant, and have been dealing with long COVID since March 2020. I still join the Twilight sessions when I can. COVID caused issues in my heart, lungs, kidneys, stomach, joints and brain, and the first two years I spent most of my days lying in bed and on the sofa. 

Even now five years on long COVID is still impacting my daily life and work. I work only 25%, I still need naps every day (and sometimes twice a day) and I have a plethora of ongoing health issues. I used to love doing lots of sports, but post-exertional malaise makes it impossible to do any active sports that raise my heart rate – even 30 seconds of gentle jogging puts me to bed for days afterwards. 

One of my biggest milestones in the past five years was performing with the massed ENO Breathe Chorus on stage at the London Coliseum, which was an amazing experience.

My second biggest milestone is that I did an Iron Man Triathlon!

Inspired by Mirna, a friend of mine who competes in Iron Man world championships, I decided to redesign the Iron Man Triathlon in a way so that even with long COVID I can do it too.

Just a few tweaks…

Doing it in a month instead of in a day. Gently swimming breaststroke, cycling on an e-bike instead of on a normal bike, and walking at a leisurely pace instead of running. And most importantly – not having any distance or speed ‘targets’. Instead carefully listening to my body and making sure not to overexert myself at all times.

Over the course of a month, in little chunks, I did a 3.8 km swim, 180 km bike ride and a 42.2 km marathon. It happened that I did it in a month, but that was not the target. If it had taken me many months more, I would have been equally happy. 

What a great sense of satisfaction! After almost five years of not being able to do any active sports, I am so happy about this ‘sporty’ achievement, I even made myself a medal. (See photo below)

My next sporty challenge for Spring: a ‘Sprinty Triathlon’ – doing a Sprint (half) Triathlon in one weekend, instead of in 2-3 hours. So 750m very gentle swimming, followed by a nice lunch and siesta, and then a 10 km e-bike ride in the afternoon. Then the next day another 10 km e-bike ride in the morning, followed by lunch, siesta and a 5km afternoon walk, ending with a celebratory dinner and a good rest for as long as it takes…

For me the lesson is that whenever I am faced with something I think I ‘can’t’ do due to long COVID, I try to be creative and redesign it in a way that it is possible.’ It’s all about reframing the idea of ‘I can’t,’ with ‘how can I?’  Such a simple mindset shift really does allow us all to do much more.’

And Femke is not alone……_______________________________________________

From Couch to 5k

Submitted by Alison Morris

Couch to 5k: Age 64, Alison is proving that age and illness are no barrier. Prior to COVID she was always active, but not a runner. Being based near the sea on the beautiful Wirral Peninsula it was an easy place to run with wonderful views and spectacular sunsets.

‘During the first year of lockdown I was a bit bored so I started pounding the streets doing Couch to 5k.I graduated in January 2021 but 10 days later was in hospital with COVID induced pneumonia. It has been a long haul back; when I left hospital I could only walk a few yards and really struggled using the stairs, but I’m now fit enough to use the gym treadmill and ran for a total of 12 minutes last week (doing eight runs of one and a half minutes!) I use the ENO Breathing techniques to bring my heart rate down after each run!’

______________________________________________________________________

Million Women Rise March

Submitted by Wendy Knight 

‘On International women’s day I managed to march with other women on the Million Women Rise march, the international march of women against men’s violence in all its forms. Along with my friend Celia, who got COVID and subsequently long COVID at the same time as me over three years ago, we joined a march with members of the Older Feminist Network. I walked for some of the march, had a break, then re-joined for the rally in Trafalgar Square. Celia attended with her rollator and sat at the side of the march waving us on. We both agreed it was brilliant to be able to participate and feel the energy of collective action.’

Big thanks to those of you who have shared their milestones with us: Sarah Jane Grace, Matthew Harborne, Louise Brooker, Margaret Llyod,  Derwena Bowsher, Femke van der Veer, Alison Morris, Wendy Knight